Four Days
by lucifer ravana
Summary: Voldemort goes on vacation for four days, leaving Lucius in charge of the Death Eaters. Narrated by Lucius, we get to see the inner workings of the Death Eaters as only one of their own could tell it. LV/LM. LM/Various
1. Day One

Day One - Morning

Well, shit. Bloody fucking shit! The Dark Lord is gone. Not permanently, mind you, but gone to a bloody monastery of all places where he can get his 'rest' and 'peace.' Chances are, he'll come back a wreck of a man and it will take me weeks to get him back to his semi-normal state of being. I hate when he does this. I hate when he leaves me period. Doesn't the bastard know what he does to me when he goes on one of his soul-searching adventures?

I hope he chokes on a bone. Of course, if he does, I won't be there to pry it out of his throat like the last time.

Alright, so maybe I am suffocating him a bit. So what? I have my reasons. Besides, it's not as though I can just escape him even if I wanted to. If he wants me, he summons. Or he yells really loudly. And I show up and we commence.

He assigns me his laundry and I bitch and moan as to the fact that he's disposed of another House Elf who could do those certain tasks. But does he ever listen? No.

I am beginning to feel like the haggard wife of a married couple. If he wants to go out and think about life and be at one with nature, he should do it when I'm dead or injured or incredibly busy with another of my pet projects. Not when I've nothing to do!

Of course, he doesn't see it that way. He finds me selfish and demanding and arrogant. Strange man that he is, he says he likes it better that way. The man has no idea of the crap I go through for him. If it isn't disguising myself to fulfill some obligation, it's making sure his coffee is served on time and getting him a few new House Elves to replace the ones he loses.

Not that I'm complaining, of course. It's just that I'd like some appreciation for what I go through on a day to day basis. The loss of him does not help my case at all. And his lack of being here only causes me distraction. I hope that wherever he is, he's happy. And thinking. And not being bitten by a rabid squirrel.

He left me a note on his nightstand. He had intended for me to find it in the morning after he had gone. Can you believe that? He wanted to just leave it there and go without saying good-bye or letting us have one final fuck before he takes off to his monastery to think.

He had better not be finding religion, that's all I have to say.

I'll read the note in the afternoon. Preferably after I've had breakfast and settled out the affairs at the Ministry. Thankfully, it's Thursday and approaching the weekend so the officials are less inclined to deal with things now.

The Dark Lord's Cause needs more financial status. I'll have to fill out the forms for that today. I've managed to find a loophole in the Ministry's funding that states they'll put down government issued funding for any religion that has more than fifty followers, a place to meet, and several charity events to its name.

Sometimes, it's just too damn easy. But then, isn't this why I get so involved in the Death Eaters? To keep out the mediocre idiocy of the Ministry and to develop my own talents within a system that resolves to make full use of whatever it is I have to show them? To hell with morals and principles. I just want to have fun.

And Lord Voldemort provides.

When he isn't busy slumming it up being at one with nature. I hope he nearly gets eaten by a bear again. This time, he doesn't have Quirrel to bitch at. He had told me that while he was plastered to the head of that git, a bear had approached them in the forests of..somewhere. A Russian bear at that. They had climbed a nut tree and had stayed there for a day and half, existing on a diet of, well, nuts.

Silly man. I told him that Russian bears were only interested in riding Muggle bicycles while wearing beanies. But I wasn't there to impart my extensive knowledge with the Great!God!Voldemort, so naturally, he had to do what Quirrel wanted to do. Which was to run up a tree and sit and bicker.

Times like these, I pity him. Of course, I wouldn't be willing to take him into my own body. I've enough troubles of my own to worry about without the addition of an added head.

All this talk of nuts has made me hungry. Screw it.

---

Day One - Afternoon

Have read the note. Not quite sure how to feel about it. I mean, seriously! I knew he wanted me to do a few chores for him, like feed his little pets while he was away and take Mulciber out for walks, but to handle all the Death Eaters? Who the hell does he think I am? Himself?

Granted, I am his Second and the Death Eaters normally listen to me anyway, but to be in charge to this extent makes me worry. I'm used to creating strategies and tactics while keeping myself carefully shielded from view. Leadership of this nature requires me to be out in the open. And that's something I cannot afford. I do have a family to consider.

Lousy Voldemort. He probably knew all of this so while he's out there, yogaing it up with nature, I'm stuck back here dictating policy to a bunch of sycophants. The Inner Circle, I can take. They possess some modicum of intelligence. The others are just a pack of bloodthirsty gits and Voldemort knows I can't stand them! He knows and he doesn't give a shit and now I'm stuck baby-sitting the brats until daddy dearest gets back.

If he gets back.

No, I won't even dwell on that thought.

Orders are orders are orders and for some unknown reason, Voldemort has decided to put me in charge of his loyal *snerk* band of followers. How droll. I doubt he expects me to brand them. I doubt even more that he expects me to continue to take over the world in his absence. He's not dead and he will be coming back, so chances are, he just wants me to watch over the crowd for the four days he's gone. Not that I have much of a choice in the matter.

I suppose it could be worse. It's not like I've much to do with my time anyway. And I should be glad that I now have this much power and control. I run an entire army and while the Dark Lord is gone, I reign supreme over all! No one can stop me! I bow to no one! People bow to me!

But I would much rather have my place in the shadows once again. The spotlight is on me when I want it to be on me. Which, despite many rumours, isn't 24/7. At least the Death Eaters listen to me, which is more than I can say for many others.

And this is probably why Voldemort dumped the responsibility on me. Sure, I know that if Voldemort ever kicked the proverbial bucket, forever this time, I'd be the one the Death Eaters turned to and the one who would continue to lead them in his stead. At least, that's what I've been brought up to believe. So the Inner Circle listens to me and trusts me as much as it's possible for characters like them to do so. The other Death Eaters will fall into place easily enough.

And since I'm the one who thinks up the grand schemes while our Lord is off exterminating someone or making alliances, it's only natural that I'd be the one in charge while he's away. All the same, it is like baby-sitting.

Only I'm not paid. We're all 'earners' here. Our monetary reward comes from our victims. We work our way up. Those who do nothing, get nothing. And all is right with the world.

And now, I'm in charge of all of this. What the hell was he thinking?

Might as well make the best of it. Perhaps I can use this time to instill a few changes in the monotony of our day to day lives. Let them 'earn' a little more and look good while doing it.

For one, those gray robes simply have to go. They are so last season.

---

Day One - Evening

I have established the most beautiful colour scheme ever. I swear, even I'm impressed with the results. I figured what the Death Eaters need to instill the proper amount of fear and terror in their victims are pastels! Yes! Lovely pastels! No more grays! Only whites! And purples!

And to counter the pastels of the spring season, there's a lovely deep rich green I'm initiating that will be for our summer wardrobe. Dark green with black masks. The Aurors will be too busy loving the designs to AK our asses! There will be purple, white, and dark blue for the winter season. One will need to blend in well with the background on some occasions, hence the white, and just plain look good out on the battlefield, hence the other two.

But fall, now there I'm really in a bind. I can always initiate the usual fall colours which consist of dark brown, green, and maybe even a lilac or pretty golden red. The problem is not only are those colours already taken, but we've already got a purple, brown is so boring, golden red seems more of a Gryffindor colour, and green? Well, we can't have everything be green now, can we? People will say we're obsessed.

So I'm thinking of colour contrasting in the fall season. Camouflage for some, and a western style motif for a few others. The good looking ones, more specifically. The ones with muscles.

I really must try and find a nice torquise look. I so adore the colour. And red. Even though it's a Gryffindor colour, I still think it would look nice. Maybe black robes with red masks. Symbolizing, I don't know, the blood on our faces? Ew. That's just a horrid mental image.

Well, I sent the design prototypes to Mrs. Lestrange, recently released from Azkaban (go us!) and she says the new outfits should be ready by tomorrow. Thank Salazar for magic that allows one to resize clothing.

It feels good, really, to be getting things along. I've spoken to the Inner Circle about this whole Voldemort leaving me in charge thing and they're fine with it for the most part. The other Death Eaters made a few grunting noises that I am taking for agreement since none have tried to kill me yet. This could only be looked at as a positive thing.

Voldemort will be thrilled to see the new designs I created. True, I did try to pass this doctrine a few decades ago before he got axed by Potter, and true, he didn't much look twice at the idea, but here they all are! Ready and waiting to parade in and greet him with their lovely new colours!

They will bring a tear to those red eyes of his. And if not, I can always poke him in one and produce a few. The man just refuses to cry around anyone. Seems to think of it as a weakness. Though I have seen him cry once and that was only due to a laundry accident in which some idiot Elf shrank his favorite robe and dyed it pink. I tried to point out to him that, 'hello? It's shrunk, you can resize it and take out the colour with ma-gic!' but he didn't much appreciate the suggestion.

Sometimes, he can be so..what's the word? Stubborn.

Like when he agreed to go on this bullshit vacation. He did it to get away from me. I just know it. I hope a tree falls on him as he's meditating.

I hope he comes back home soon. The night seems to drag on without him. Far be it from me to whine or complain, but..I miss the bastard. Wherever he is, he'd better be thinking of me. Tomorrow night, I'll have to keep myself busy to prevent myself from dwelling on missing him too much.


	2. Day Two

Day Two - Morning

Huzzah! It's finally Friday! And that means the weekend! No more lousy Ministry work! No more dealing with Fudge! No more..oh, wait. I'm still the current Dark Lord. Well, nutbunnies.

Last night sucked big, hairy centaur balls. I couldn't sleep, the bed was too big for just one person. Tonight, I'll probably pay a visit back to my Manor and see if Narcissa can do something about this current godawful ITCH I have concerning my 'beloved' Master. I swear, if he doesn't come back in three days, I'll...

I really don't know what I'd do. And this is pathetic. I shouldn't be wasting my time hanging around like this. I shouldn't bother thinking about what he's doing or what he's thinking or who he's fucking in my stead. Goddamn BASTARD! He had better not be dating some pretty blond. All men want a pretty little blond. It's always the pretty little blonds!

So he'd better not forget the one he left behind. Though I'm hardly little. And anyone who says any different will die a very painful death.

On a completely different note, I have decided what I would like to do with my current army. I figure that by destroying our enemies one by one, that should put me in good with Voldemort and relieve all the tension that has been going around for the past few days. I don't intend to attack Potter, that would be just plain suicidal. Now, I think I'll have to focus our energies on the more possible-to-kill enemies.

Namely the Weasleys. And then maybe the Grangers. They should be highly entertaining to watch burn. It'll give the other Death Eaters something to do, at least. I believe we should just use the overkill method. Hit them all very, very hard and in a massive group so as to prevent anyone from running away.

We can be such assholes, it's wonderful. So, that's my current battle plan for tonight. I hope it goes well. I don't see how it wouldn't. And if we succeed, the Dark Lord won't have to complain about how one of his pets was accidentally being squished by a log truck.

Which, by the way, was so not my fault.

---

Day Two - Afternoon

If I can't take my coffee break,  
My coffee break,  
My coffee break.

If I can't take my coffee break,  
Something within me DIES!  
Lies down and something within me dies!

Only two more hours to go until I can get the hell out of this office of mine and run away quickly back to the boys in..what season is this? Spring. Yes. Back to the boys in pastels. Ah, spring is here and we can poison the pigeons in the park together. I think I might be going crazy. Thank god it's the end of the week. I have been fidgeting in this chair since I first arrived at work no less than three hours ago.

And I am bored. If it isn't Fudge, it's these lousy Muggle protection papers that need my signature. I have taken great delight in folding them into paper birds and letting them sail around the room. A few have even flown out the door and I hope one of them makes it to Arthur's desk. No such luck so far, though. All I get is my secretary coming in to tell me that a form just landed in her coffee.

Bitchy woman. She gets paid to keep her mouth shut. I did, however, take the hint and have since been hurling darts at my Dumbledore dartboard. I cannot wait for the attack to begin tonight. Not only are we going to kill, we're going to kill in style due to Mrs. Lestrange's clothing. Life is very good.

I'll have to take an early dinner, of course. One can't kill on an empty stomach and since I'll be leading the attack, it's best to go looking absolutely divine. Especially since I'm representing the Dark Lord. Strike that. Especially since I am, currently, the Dark Lord.

I don't think this whole deal is as big as he's made it out to be. I mean, I'm good at paperwork, so working out dues and where everyone should be placed is too damn easy. I'm excellent when it comes to dealing with people, if I do say so myself. Should they give me any grief, I'd simply kill their children. Or their dogs. Whichever they're closer to.

Bottom line is, I'm finding all of this to be a fairly simple task. I honestly don't see why Voldemort had so many sleepless nights and was busy every single moment of the day. The only problem with my life, is that I have far too much free time to think on things I really don't want to dwell on.

Such as how the Dark Lord is and if he's coming back reattached to some other idiot's head. I sincerely hope not. A turban just does not become him. In fact, there's very little that does become a Voldemort who's stuck on the back of someone's head. On the plus side, I could try the matching outfits idea. I'm sure he'd look precious in them.

Though sex would be a bitch again. Especially if he attaches himself to another homophobe. One wouldn't believe how confusing it was to be getting mixed signals. Voldemort says yes, Quirrel asks, "What the hell is he doing?" I don't know which is worse. When Quirrel kept hollering or when he started touching me. Up to this day, I have to wonder if it was Quirrel or Voldemort doing the touching.

I was fairly repelled at the idea and I don't see how going over it now will help any. I'll leave the philosophizing alone for now. If he doesn't come back to me as someone else's other head, then I hope he gets me something from where he is. A keychain would be nice. Or Ireland.

I would very much like to purchase Ireland. Voldemort had once promised me Ireland as soon as we conquered the world, but his tone was a bit patronizing. Added to the fact that he patted me on the head as soon as he promised and it adds up to me not getting Ireland.

I'll plague him for Greenland, though. Or the little continent off the coast of Africa that no one can remember the name of. I so like those cute little colonies and the people there would be fun to enslave. Unlike House Elves, they can't disappear.

Ah, the thoughts that amuse me while I'm at work. That reminds me, I'll have to make an appointment at the salon to get my nails done before I go out tonight. I might be expected to strangle someone and I'll be damned if I allow anyone to see me without perfect nails.

---

Day Two - Evening

I am pleased to say that the entire night went off without a hitch. There was a string of very strange incidents that occurred, but the end result was met and we were all very happy. The night had been cool, not to hot, and our new robes fluttered in the wind as we apparated around the Weasley household. We were dressed pristinely and everyone acted on their best behaviour.

Maybe due to the riding crop I had in my hand, or that lovely leather suit I thought would look so well with my white mask. As to the actual attack, I must say, I'm not quite sure exactly how it all went down. I heard a lot of screaming but I was too busy flailing Macnair who insisted on acting up. I don't much get that man at times. He seemed fine all this time until he saw this outfit.

Oh well, who am I to complain. He screams so delightfully. Even more so when I put the clamps..

Oh, that's a different story. At any rate, the Death Eaters attacked and soon the fires started and then the youngest of the Weasleys ran out clutching a leather bound book.

"Stop! Stop! I'm one of you! Take me with!" She screamed as she ran towards Avery. Naturally, he brought her to me and I had a sort of one-sided conversation with her. Now, I knew that Arthur's family was messed up, but I never thought it was this bad. She claimed to be possessed by Tom Riddle of all people and he communicated with her via a diary.

In the end, she started helping us set the fires and slaughtering the rest of her family. No big loss. So, the Weasleys are now off our Christmas lists and we were feeling so good, we decided to drop by the Grangers.

Unfortunately, we got our houses mixed up and ended up on the Chang's doorstop. We didn't know of our mix-up until after everyone was dead. I suppose it doesn't matter in the long run. Dead is dead and so long as there's someone roasting on the spit, everything is fine.

To celebrate, we had a Dark Revel. The whiskey was overflowing and I even did that little dance with the snake again. There was no Snape to drink the beer as it coursed down my leg into his mouth, but that didn't matter in the end. There was a massive bonfire and a few demons were summoned up and hastily disposed of.

Such fun! And they all looked so delightful dancing about the bonfire in their brightly lit clothes, singing the praises of the Dark Lord. Of course, some of the songs are a bit outdated and we had to liven up the lyrics. I'm certain Voldemort won't mind and I do wish that he was there to celebrate with us. His presence was sorely missed.

After the activities had died down, I retreated back to the Manor where a delightful conversation with my wife occurred.

"No, can you use the other dildo? The big one? The one with the clawed tip?"

Times like these I really miss my Lord. We ended up compromising. I wanked off and she watched me hungrily. It was so much like my Lord, I could have completely self-deluded myself.

After which, I fucked her into the mattress in compensation for making her try to take his place. I'm sure he wouldn't have blamed me. If he did, the bastard shouldn't have left!

I ended up waking up at around one am and wandering about the Manor. I thought about summoning him up, but that would have proven to be futile. He had told me to deal with it as I did before he had come back to us, but those times were hellish and he's normally telling me not to look back at them or think on them.

I ended up going out onto the balcony and lighting up. Two more nights of this crap. I honestly don't think I can deal with it. I don't really want to deal with it. I miss him so much and I know I'm acting weak, but it's hard to help it after going 13 years without him. It hurts to know that even after that time, he still wants to be away from me.

I suppose I am suffocating him even though I don't intend to do so. Maybe I'm just paranoid that he'll leave me again and I don't think I can live through that. Wherever he is, I hope he's, at least, happy, and will come back to me feeling better about himself and not so damn miserable.


	3. Day Three

Day Three - Morning

I slept in. All goddamn morning. No work. Leave me alone.

---

Day Three - Afternoon

Is it me or are the weekends getting shorter and shorter? I woke up finally at around threeish, or maybe it was four. Who can tell? Anyway, I woke up and decided that today was the day I would recruit a few people into serving the Dark Lord. Not my most original idea, but I guess if he comes home to some new faces, it should make the fact that one of his pets getting hit by a log truck seem a bit nicer.

So I gathered my supplies, which included many phamphlets, had the Elves make some cookies and lemonade (addictive substance in the lemonade) and headed on out to do what I do best!

I set up the Death Eater stand in the middle of Knockturn. It was a lovely day and all and the cookies smelled positively delightful. Those who came by were lured by the free food and stopped to look at the phamphlets.

Voldemort doesn't know about any of this. He thinks I go out and, I don't know, talk people into joining. I do that, but this way the people come to me. And no one can resist the allure of free food. Once they ingested something chocolatey, they're more inclined to agree with what you say. And the addictive lemonade has them coming back for more. Therefore, the stand is always busy and it appears as though a lot of people want to sign up to be Death Eaters today.

So anyway, there I am, minding my own business, when guess who should come down the road? Severus Snape in all his glory. He tries to duck away when he sees me but I scream out his name and beckon him over. A few people give him dirty looks and it seems that in order for him to remain safe, he has to come visit with me.

I gave him a cookie because he was scowling and suddenly, an idea came to mind. What if I could re-recruit Sev into our way of life? He could work as an expert triple agent. And it would mean I wouldn't have to hunt him down and kill him. He has this habit of hiding and running away and I just don't need that sort of exercise.

So I show him the phamphlet and say, "Wanna re-join the cult with me?"

And he says, "I don't care to."

I say, "But it's really fun. Didn't you read the phamphlet?"

"I already read it. I helped make them."

Such a pragmatist, is Severus. So then I counter with, "It's not that bad. They'll give you a haircut and you said you've been needing one for awhile. You've got split ends."

Smart move on my part. Sev just hates split ends and his hand went to his hair. "It'll be a free haircut," I assure him.

"The leader hates me."

"I'm the leader." This got his attention.

"What happened to.."

"He's on vacation, left me on charge. You come back to us now, there won't be any punishment."

At this, he kinda goes a little red, which is just fine with me since he looks so cute when he blushes. "Wouldn't mind some," he mutters. But his tone is really low and I'm not sure if he's saying that or "wooden Hermione", which makes no sense.

"Get to meet lots of cute new guys. Recruitment has kicked off well and you'll be with your potions again."

I'm not sure which gets his attention more. The cute guys or the potions. "The Cause still the same?"

"Uh huh. But now it's more retro. We get to wear better outfits and all." I really should go over my plans of the Death Eater robes with Sev. I'm sure he'd love them. And the winter ones would just compliment his hair!

He still doesn't look all the way convinced. "It would mean betraying Dumbledore."

"Sev, you're a teacher. You have a teacher's salary. He shoves you with a bunch of whining, screaming brats all day. I'd say that he was the one betraying you." Kindergarden logic, I know, but still. "Besides, does he let you cut open small animals and people?"

"Sort of." He reaches for another cookie.

"But he doesn't approve of it. Our mutual Friend would."

"I guess." He eats the cookie and reaches for another. "I don't have to believe in anything, do I?"

"No, of course not. Just say that you do."

"What if there are no guys I like there?"

"Then I'll go out and recruit one for you."

As it turned out, Severus stayed around the recruitment stand for the rest of the afternoon. He'd probably say it was because he wanted to make sure that I was taking in a lot of cute, young guys with raging hard-ons, but judging from where his hand was most of the time, he stayed for the cookies.

In the end, I had him signed back on and gave him a handjob for staying to help me raise the factions of our Dark Lord's supporters. I just know our Lord will love this.

---

Day Three - Evening

After a long day of being out in the sun (four hours), I decided to spend the night inside the Dark Lord's castle. The place had a wonderful view and was always a delight to explore and..who am I kidding? I stayed because the bed was familiar and his scent was still on the pillow.

Fucking hell, I miss that bastard. And I despise him for doing this to me. It's the third day, I tell myself. One more day to go after this and I'll have him back in my arms and in my bed. One more damn day.

Alright, I wasn't that pathetic. I mean, I didn't curse my Lord out for leaving me. Save for three times. And I didn't cry that long. Only an hour, really. And I wasn't all that sulky. Just all night. I was just..mourning his loss, knowing it would be for another night after this one that I'd be deprived of his company. I guess I made it worse on myself, sleeping in his bed and all.

And now I'm just whining. Alright, I guess I should move on. Anyway, as I was laying in his bed, trying to sleep, I completely forgot about Voldemort's little pet. Not his collection of snakes or Death Eaters, but his other pet. The big one. Goes by the name of Nagini.

Now, I don't mind Nagini. In fact, I even like her. She's very slim and she's pretty. That and she's loyal to my Lord, so I really can't complain. She's never bitten at me, of course, and she's tried to eat Pettigrew a few times. That makes her quite alright in my book.

But anyways, I fed her that night and kinda put her out of mind. What I didn't know is that she normally goes wandering about the damn castle at night, investigating every which way and making sure the place is safe from any stray rodents and the like. So you could just imagine the kind of shock I felt when the damn thing ended up crawling into bed with me.

I was half asleep and either Nagini has some really strange habits or my Lord's, ah, proclivities are not what I envisioned them to be, because this big, massive snake came crawling right over me. And I mean, right on top. I had been counting the cracks in the ceiling when she came in. I was just minding my own business, trying to fall asleep and next thing I know, I'm looking into the glowing eyes of this predator.

Alright, so I got aroused. So what? I'm half-veela. That and if there's something massive resting between my legs, applying enough pressure to my groin, I'll get hard. There was this one time, you see, with this chair leg...

I'll move on.

Anyway, so this snake is on top of me and I'm not about to make any sudden movements. I'm thinking that maybe Nagini thinks I'm Voldemort and that's why she's so comfortable doing this right now. So I speak softly to her when it occurs to me that snakes don't have ears and I'm not sure if she can hear me. She's tasting me quite nicely, though. No, not there, on the face. And not in the mouth, I'll have you know.

So I figure she must know I'm different from her Master and I guess she realized this as well as she began to move off me. It turned out, the only reason why she turned was so she could head down into my trousers and...

Well, let me just say that my Lord has taught her quite a few interesting tricks. I won't go into graphic detail but I am very grateful she didn't use her teeth nor tried to swallow me. It wasn't until after she had tasted my ejaculate that she..what? Yes, I was sucked off by a snake and no, I did not think it to be possible. No, I will not show you the snake. Anyway, after she realized that I wasn't her Lord and Master, she slithered off of me and proceeded to lay upon the bed next to me.

I guess she missed him too. She allowed me to stroke her until we both fell asleep. She was soothing, in an odd way. Made me think of him since he does resemble a snake. But she was too thin and she didn't have the same hiss he did.

I'm grateful to her, oddly enough. Even though she couldn't have known what she was doing, and I wasn't about to stop her, the act was still reminiscent of him. I don't think he'd deign to put his lips on my cock and actually suck, but I guess that would have been what it felt like. In any case, she allowed me to have some rather interesting dreams.

Very interesting. And all perverted, I am sure.


	4. Day Four

Day Four - Morning

Today is the day of the funeral. I decided upon that idea when I woke up in bed the next morning with Nagini curled up beside me on the bed. She looked as peaceful as a snake could look while asleep and she made me think of the crushed snake from the log truck that was now stuck inside a shoebox. Voldemort comes back tomorrow and I wonder if I should wait to have the funeral with him present.

No, that wouldn't be good. He'd bawl like a baby and I don't think the other Death Eaters would be able to handle that. The funeral should consist of only the members of the Inner Circle, the ones that knew the snake best.

I have to check the collar of the snake to find out the animal's name. Edward. My Lord had a snake named Edward. My first thought was clearly my Lord is lacking his usual talent in names. My second thought was that I should be a bit more respectful of the dead. Ah well.

The invitations were sent out quickly enough to the Inner Circle members. Sev was the first one to answer back saying that he would attend. I would like to think that he wanted to show his respect to the snake, maybe speak to some of his old friends as well. As it turned out, he opted to show up because on the invite, I said that there would be cookies.

That man has such a one-track mind.

God, I want to get fucked.

Anyway, I mentioned on the invite that there would be free food after the funeral. That way we could all mourn and then come back and, I don't know, discuss what we liked about the snake and hope that Voldemort won't be too pissy when he comes back and finds out about this.

I decided to hold the funeral in the backyard of the Manor rather than in the backyard of his castle. I didn't think he'd want us to dig holes in his backyard and who knows what else is buried there? There's also the fact that the neighbors are quite used to seeing cloaked and robed men digging in the Malfoy backyard. They wouldn't complain. They'd just wonder as to how many pets we have and why they keep dying.

That and I don't think the Dark Lord would appreciate me inviting all the Death Eaters to his castle and partying with his food while he was away.

I spent much of the morning decorating the Manor, using the colours black and purple with gusto. The Elves managed to hang most of the decorations without strangling themselves. I suppose that's a good thing, but it means we won't get to play pinata with them. On the wall before the dining room buffet table held a large sign that read "We Will Miss You, Edward!"

Everything was looking so well and beautiful, I found it a bit difficult to be sad and grieving, but I managed to look a bit tearful. Mostly due to Narcissa poking me in the eye while saying, "I can't believe you took back in that filthy traitor!" She really doesn't like Sev very much.

She had no desire to be present when the Death Eaters came a-calling so she took herself, and my money, out for a shopping joint into the wizarding world.

At noon precisely, the Death Eaters started to arrive.

---

Day Four - Afternoon

Rookwood was the first to show up. He took one look at the decorations and I just knew he loved them by the first words that came out of his mouth. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." Rookwood can be such a killjoy at times, he needs to learn to get out more.

Reminds me of someone else I know.

Speak of the devil and he does appear! Severus came in next, wanting to arrive early to make sure all who passed through the door came without any weapons to do him harm. I caught him trying to go over to buffet table twice and had to smack his hand to keep it from grabbing one of the chocolate chip cookies.

Walden Macnair was the next to show up, bringing with the beer that was sorely lacking from the luncheon. He seemed amused by the entire project. He was followed by Mulciber, who seemed to take an obscene interest in the snake just waiting to be buried.

"I can see the crushed guts!"

We all ignored him.

Crabbe and Goyle came next, nearly breaking the doorway as they tried to enter at the same time. It was about now that I started to wonder if Narcissa's assumption about the Inner Circle were correct and that they were a bunch of idiots.

Then Nott came in which didn't help my train of thought any. The man still reeked of pea soup. I had hoped that he could, at least, bathe or find a decent pair of robes to wear to this momentous occasion. No such luck. Ah, 'tis trying to deal with the poor.

Avery came next. Nothing particularly spectacular about that, and then Travers, who proceeded to make eyes at me during much of the afternoon. I think Sev blasted him a few times but it was difficult to tell since most of the time I was trying to play the grieving..whatever it was I was supposed to be. Key word is grieving.

And it got to be annoying. There's only so many times I can poke myself in the eye to let out a few tears before deciding that I'd rather not poke myself. The Lestranges decided not to come, funerals being a big thing for the both of them. No offense was taken as the two were allowed their strange quirks. They had been locked up, after all.

So, now that we were all present, we made our way out to the backyard, Crabbe and Goyle leading the procession and carrying the shoebox on a pillow. I was immensely glad to see that the others had worn black to commemorate this event.

We elected Severus to be the priest because he has that black-button thing going on with the white collar and such. He rolled his eyes but spoke anyway.

"Today, we are here to bury Edward the Snake. Torn from the peak of his life due to an irresponsible log truck driver."

I proceeded to bawl. Macnair was kind enough to hold me.

"Edward shall remain in our hearts and souls as a martyr to the Cause."

Macnair patted me on the back. And then his hand slipped further down to pat me on the arse.

"And he shall serve as a lesson to always look twice before crossing the road."

Truer words could not be spoken. After that, we went around the circle, saying what we knew of Edward and something good about him.

I wished that Macnair wouldn't scratch himself while stating that he barely knew the snake and Crabbe and Goyle had to keep Mulciber from eating the remains of Edward. Other than that, the ceremony went off without a hitch.

The hole was dug by Avery while Severus watched with a pleased grin on his face since he didn't have to be the one doing the digging. The shoebox was placed into the hole and we each put a pile of dirt over it. Edward's headstone was a lovely black rock that had been leftover from Draco's pet rock collection he had grown out of when he was five. An 'E' was scraped into the rock from one of Mulciber's claws and placed upon the grave.

The funeral now over and done with, we solemnly made our way back to the Manor, whereupon we proceeded to come out of the somber moods and started devouring the food.

I think I drank too much because when I woke up, it was already seven pm and Severus and Walden were laying beside me, Walden's head resting upon my crotch while Severus' arm was around my waist. I didn't complain much. The other Death Eaters were laying as well, sprawled out over the other.

Most were undressed and I was sorely glad I was still clothed.

---

Day Four - Evening

After waking up, I made my way back to Voldemort's castle, allowing the other Death Eaters to deal with their own selves. They knew better than to steal from me, of course. And I knew Severus would keep them in line. He's useful like that.

Besides, I had more important things to deal with. For instance, the fact that my Lord was coming home tomorrow! I would spend the last night alone here in the castle, making a mental note to ward and lock up the bedroom door so as to prevent Nagini from coming in again. I also intended to use the rest of tonight to decorate the castle for Voldemort's imminent arrival.

What sort of decorations I would throw up was my only guess. Something that expressed my utter desire to see him again. Something that didn't tell him of what had happened to his pet snake. Something that showed off all the accomplishments I made throughout his vacation.

Something that made him want to fuck me senseless.

And the idea came then! Heads!

Well, why not? After all, there's giving head and then there's severed heads. The two tie in to each other. Besides, I had once given him the head of one of his enemies and he had seemed quite taken with that present. Why not repeat the trick, only instead of one head, there could be many.

The only problem was, whose heads can adorn his castle? I left the Elves he employed to deal with the usual decorative things. Banners that said 'Welcome Home, Voldie' and the like. All done in colours of black, red, and green. Mostly in red. Gryffindor colour, I know, but he so does like it for some reason. Meanwhile, I went out to ponder over this new idea.

I finally ended up deciding that it really didn't matter whose heads they were, so long as there were heads all around. I called Macnair and the two of us started heading through the city, looking for people.

To make a long story short, we accumulated a vast amount of bodies that day. Whores, cutthroats, thieves, Aurors, so many others. Off went their heads and on they went to pikes that were set up around the castle. Well, around the drawing room and living areas at least. it wouldn't do if they were around the castle, of course. The stench would be horrible if he couldn't find one or two.

Which means that Macnair and I were left with a whole lot of decapitated bodies to dispose of. We, at first, tried dumping them into the river, weighing them down. But that took too long and the hours were passing like minutes.

So then we tried chopping up the bodies into small pieces and flushing them down the toilets of the castle. Macnair liked that job, but it was slow, messy, and the toilets ended up overflowing.

Plus, there was this finger that simply would not go down!

So we gathered up the remaining bodies and headed for the only place we could take them.

The tavern in Knockturn. You know of the one? It's a nice place if you want your steak raw. Suggested to me by Macnair, the little vixen. The employees at the tavern ended up paying us top dollar for the bodies. We didn't ask what they would be doing with them and they didn't tell us.

I sincerely doubt they're going to use them as wall decoration. Oh, don't look like that. You seem as though you're about to vomit.

So now the body problem had been solved and I was able to go back to the castle to await our Lord's arrival. The Elves seemed to have finished with the decorating and the place looked splendiferous. I made sure everything was in its proper order, doing my final inspections while wallowing in glee that my Lord was coming home tomorrow.

Today, rather, by one look at the clock. Looking over the Death Eaters hadn't been too hard, really. I knew I was missing a lot of things and I hadn't spent that much time with my family, but the four days were soon to be over and I felt accomplished. And tired. I couldn't resist sitting down upon one of the chairs around the dining room table and resting my head in my arms. I vowed I would take a short nap, but ended up falling asleep instead.

I guess I should have come to this huge momentous realization. Something about duties and responsibilities and how they effect us in every day life. Something about morals and ethics. Something about differences, opinions, and values.

But fuck it. I just wanna get laid.


End file.
